dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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