Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
