so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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