You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
