Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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