im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
