All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
