A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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