Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
