I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
