My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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