If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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