Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
