Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
