just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
