You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
