U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
