Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
