Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
