i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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