You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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