I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
