You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
