i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
