i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
