enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
