I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
