just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
