I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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