her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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