i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
