i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
