How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
