If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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