Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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