You made me cry and you don't even care
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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