I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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