I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I will be naked everywhere
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
