Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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