you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
