hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i came on her dog
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my liver is dry heaving
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
