I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
