After last night, I could never be a politician.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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