Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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