my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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