Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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