You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
