I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she told me i tasted like america
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
