I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
