Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
