We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
im about as happy as oj after his trial
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
